Day 6/28

f:0/2
e:0/2
w:1/2
p:2/2
DC: 2/2.

night.

Dreams/ Pumped UP!!

Tonight, we start the fire. Tonight we BREAK away. :)

When I know I'm about to work out I get immensely happy. Idk why. Maybe it's cause I get to burn calories, maybe it's cause I feel sooo much better after. Either way, it's amazing.

Idk what was wrong with me yesterday. Everyone seemed to piss me off. My boyfriend, facebook people, etc. But I'm looking passall that today.

Yesterday I ate doughnuts at a friend's house (I hung out with her b/c her bf dumped her to think about their relationship) and she was sad and all that jazz. So we got doughnuts. I couldn't stop myself. I ate two creme filled and a strawberry frosted one. Dammit and a frosted blueberry one... Ugh. So I puked and puked and puked.
However it was hard. I ran water. went to her toilet and it just slid out. it felt different. Maybe because I didn't really drink water that day. Anyway. It was me, her, her sister/mother, my boyfriend, and our friend. we all hung out with her and i had to leave and quietly puke and make sure no one noticed. It was hella hard and I was so nervous somebody woould notice or her mom would yell at me. BUt strangely no one had caught on or noticed. I guess they thought i was pooping..? Great..

OKAY. So. Dreams!
Last night I had a dream that my old language arts teacher was permtting us to drink alcohol in class. Then he got busted. it was wierd.
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So, today my friend that I always go to the Gym with is available togo right now, she just got off, YES. i'm going to purge off any leftover doughnuts from yesterday. I'm striving for 500 calories today.

My mom said "don't expect to go anywhere today, we're cleaning." blahblah.
All I need to do is clean my room and vacuum the bathroom floor. OH I better start on my laundry..

So it's
1.) Crunches.
2.) Laundry.
3.) Gym.
4.) Vacuum Bathroom.
5.) Clean my room.
6.) Crunches before bed.

Maybe I won't end up hanging out with my friends.. but we'll see.. At least my mom knows the importance of me going to the gym at least.. She probably thinks i'm big still. Oh well. She MAY make me clean the porch also(wtf?) No one touches that. but we'll see. I got to go change to workout :D toodaloo.

Day 5/28

Day 5/28.

Doing it differently today. I feel like shit. Going to the gym with a new partner tomorrow bright and early. Tired. Going to bed.

Food. 0/2. Puked hella lot.
Water. 1/2. Idk.
excersise: 0/2. No gym still.
Journaling/Posting:2/2.
Challenge. 2/2. Hung out with some girl i never followthrough with.

Sleeping. Pissed. Leaving.
Now.

Dreams/Body Image.

Last night I had a dream about having bigger boobs. I had my nails/face done yesterday and when I had bigger breasts I felt beautiful. Ofcourse I was superskinny also. then it got wierd. The Joker (you know, from the dark knight) came in my window (it was dark btw) and stared at me and lunged at me. I was on my bed like "whatttt?? o.o" It was... weird.
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Moving on, that dream made me realise, I'm DEFINITELY getting a boobjob. I'm so flatchested and I know once I loose all this weight I'll be superflatchested. So I need to save like 5,000 dollars for one. Joy -_-. But I know it will help me feel more confident.. and pretty. I woke up feeling amazing, kinda full, but amazing, then I looked in the mirror and felt like SHIT. My boobs were small again and my hair was a mess, etc. I hate how I look. I don't get what my boyfriend finds attractive about me..

Oh, I forgot to mention yesterday that I tried purging those nachos yesterday. With a toothbrush instead of my fingers b/c I had just gotten my nails done. I ended up using my fingers anyway... I don't care for toothbrushes..

And I tricked my friends yesterday also. I got them to believe I wanted to go on a walk, when in reality I was trying to get my excersise in. I had planned it out also, walk at lest 15 minutes out, 15 min walk back, so i owuld have my 30 minutes. They found a shortcut back but we walked further out so it was still like 32 min.

I did my situps today! I have to do the other half tonight. I started drinking my water and ate some grapes and a few bites of a veggie burger. I NEED to go to the gym today. how many calories burned equals a pound? I want to know, but then again I don't.

ending this now. I need to workout.

Day 4/28 fucking rant.

Wth. WHAT. THEFUCKING. HEll.

omg.

I asked my boyfriend last night on messenger if he thought i was fat. I knew he wasn't online but he still couldve replied to that b/c i know he got it.

He didn't.

He didn't mention it at all.

Then today I go over to hang out and what fucking happens? He grabs my stomache and says, "Ah, I can feel it kicking."

....

AM i THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS??

Joking about pregnancy with a woman who isn't pregnant is inevertedly but nonetheless still
calling them fat.

I wanted to burst into tears. Fucking Asshole.

From now on I'm doing situps and crunches. Starting tomorow morning. 25 in the morning and 25 at night. Fucking fuck. I want a flat stomache. So fucking bad. and I can't go to the gym tomorrow b/c my friend is on super shift tonight and tomorrow.
I'm probably just going to run around our "park" for 30 minutes tomorrow. Or see if someone in my family will take me to the gym. idk.fuck.

And I have a headache right now. idk if it's from hunger or keeping my hair up, idgafrn.

Tomorrow, I'm eating NOTHING but grapes. that's MY mini goal for the day. Grapes, and water.

Now I have the fucking hiccups. I'm ending this now.

Day 4/28

4/idwk/36

From now on i'm bringing it down harder.

Food:
0/2. All I ate today was nachos. It had cheese, lettuce, beans, jalapenos, chips. One serving but Idk the calories. I know it was alot.

Water
2/2. I'm on my last waterbottle now. My urine is officially clear.

Excersise:
2/2. I didn't work out at the gym but I walked fast for 32 minutes.

Journaling/Posting.
2/2.

Daily Self Esteem Challenge:
2/2. Nails PROFESSIONALLY done. Mani/Pedi. Hot red. Eyebrows waxed, and a slight massage from some creepy guy. Check.

Dreams/Weight

I'm starting to wonder if the end is coming or a end. last night my dreams involved knowing these codes that came constantly. One of them was "2166". It was weird. then this other one was of my bf being in my bed and it felt so real. I was like stop moving! and he didn't listen and people came in but I pretended to be asleep. then I started crying and asking why he could never do what i ask him to. only, this time he didn't really seemed to care. :( I keep having bad dreams of him. Yesterday it was that my bjs did nothing for him and the day before that it was him flirting with some chick at a bar/grilll place when he was supposed to be "looking" for me. :\
Anyway, he had to leave since he was busted and i ran after him and couldn't catch up. He drove off and that's when the number thing started. I had his phone also! So i was trying to catch up with him.. But i was slowly running/flying. It was weird.
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Moving on, I think I'm only going to count what I weigh in the morning (after I pottah) as my weight for the day. Because I always down ounces of water a day making me weigh more than what I actually do.. Or should I just count the weigh I am at after I excersise? Idk. :(
Anyway today I'm at 128.5. Which will go up two pounds during the day, and hopefully go down 3 tomorrow morning. making me 127.5 :D But I doubt it'll work that way.. But I'm determined to lose this weight. :(
Today is Celebrate Me Day so i'm going to give my toes/fingers a mani/pedi. Well, trim them and paint them lol. I wish I had a sibling to share nail polish with. I only have one vile of purple.. Oh well.. Purple toes it is.. Maybe fingers too..

well i have to end this now, got to go to the gym, work on me, and see what mi madre needs.
toodaloo